loner
once the loner, forever as a loner
Would that be my new motto for life?
Just when I figured the meaning of being happy, God once again took that away from me.
And the next minute, I feel so miserable and tragic because of the loss of so many precious things in my life.
Few days after I got settled in shanghai, I felt so refreshed and secured. And I swear i have never felt like this before. Then I realized, that's called home, the place that makes everyone safe and comfy. So this comfy feeling stays in my memoy, and i told myself I can never ever forget about it.
And here I am, sitting in this empty room, typing out all the melancholies in front of this 15 inch widescreen lol. (UGH)
around 30 mins ago, I was webcaming my roommate jane, one of the dearest people i know who can possibly make me cry for them. I miss her like SHIT, there's no exaggeration. I really do.
I traced back to my life in shanhai around 2 years ago. Perhaps i was still sitting alone in the empty room and hitting my keyboard in front of my widescreen, and maybe "luckily" accompanied by my beloved Ily. When I think of those times now, I comprehend deeply that my parents were guilty enough to replace my lonliness with a lil, orange, and kinda playful cat.
And after that year, I moved to the states and still feeling miserably due to the lack of freedom and rights to live my life. But when i was there, my lonliness was soon elminated by, oh well you know, Jane Chung.
It's so unbelivable and indescribible. We've been through so much and grown so much. And now, look how bithcy i am. This lil bratt is locating herself at this empty space again and acting like nothing else matters....
It's hard to be happy all the time, but I really really hope there's something that can make me feel so much better all over.
Another depressing thing is about my nanny. The best un-biologically related mom I could ever have. I still remember when I was 3 or 4 years younger, I always had this terrible and stupid thought about losing my nanny without knowing it. Now, I somehow feel that this is happening. Because of her strong personality and independibility, she never wanted me to know her shortcoming or discomforts. To me, this is obviously the issue. As I grow older, this connection of my second mom between she and I gets weaker. And I'm not fucking like beside her 7/24! I wouldn't effing know what's going on and wat went wrong on her side of the world ....T.T Even until now, I dont know if is she in the hospital? is she feeling lonely and painful about nobody looking after her? is she feeling frustrated and scared about going into the operation room? does she think he life is not worth of saving?
MY GOSH JESUS CHRIST, MY LIFE IS IN A BIG TURMOIL, SO PLEASE PLEASE, GIVE ME A HAND AND LET ME GET OUTTA HERE..........><
Would that be my new motto for life?
Just when I figured the meaning of being happy, God once again took that away from me.
And the next minute, I feel so miserable and tragic because of the loss of so many precious things in my life.
Few days after I got settled in shanghai, I felt so refreshed and secured. And I swear i have never felt like this before. Then I realized, that's called home, the place that makes everyone safe and comfy. So this comfy feeling stays in my memoy, and i told myself I can never ever forget about it.
And here I am, sitting in this empty room, typing out all the melancholies in front of this 15 inch widescreen lol. (UGH)
around 30 mins ago, I was webcaming my roommate jane, one of the dearest people i know who can possibly make me cry for them. I miss her like SHIT, there's no exaggeration. I really do.
I traced back to my life in shanhai around 2 years ago. Perhaps i was still sitting alone in the empty room and hitting my keyboard in front of my widescreen, and maybe "luckily" accompanied by my beloved Ily. When I think of those times now, I comprehend deeply that my parents were guilty enough to replace my lonliness with a lil, orange, and kinda playful cat.
And after that year, I moved to the states and still feeling miserably due to the lack of freedom and rights to live my life. But when i was there, my lonliness was soon elminated by, oh well you know, Jane Chung.
It's so unbelivable and indescribible. We've been through so much and grown so much. And now, look how bithcy i am. This lil bratt is locating herself at this empty space again and acting like nothing else matters....
It's hard to be happy all the time, but I really really hope there's something that can make me feel so much better all over.
Another depressing thing is about my nanny. The best un-biologically related mom I could ever have. I still remember when I was 3 or 4 years younger, I always had this terrible and stupid thought about losing my nanny without knowing it. Now, I somehow feel that this is happening. Because of her strong personality and independibility, she never wanted me to know her shortcoming or discomforts. To me, this is obviously the issue. As I grow older, this connection of my second mom between she and I gets weaker. And I'm not fucking like beside her 7/24! I wouldn't effing know what's going on and wat went wrong on her side of the world ....T.T Even until now, I dont know if is she in the hospital? is she feeling lonely and painful about nobody looking after her? is she feeling frustrated and scared about going into the operation room? does she think he life is not worth of saving?
MY GOSH JESUS CHRIST, MY LIFE IS IN A BIG TURMOIL, SO PLEASE PLEASE, GIVE ME A HAND AND LET ME GET OUTTA HERE..........><
posted by Emily at
8:42 AM
0 Comments
